Learning lessons Three on the way to Becoming ‘Me’….

It’s simple really. Is me feeling uncomfortable more important to me than you feeling comfortable? Oh! Hell No!

So, if you make me feel uncomfortable, I should not be around or in presence of you, correct?

If you are comfortable with me being miserable, then for my own sake I should be distancing myself from you, right?

Theoretically, yes this is ideal, yet most of us find it ridiculously difficult to act on it, to which I ask Why?

Because pleasing others has been cultivated in our generations in the name of culture, or just plain ethics or politeness and that for so long, it’s more than difficult to even carbon date it. BUT I am Done!

Here is me, and play this visual in your mind, like a GIF on repeat and hashtag whatever you want to, giving a Flying Goose to your comfort that comes out of my misery. Here on, its Me and My sanity. Everything else can go fly a kite!!!!

Lesson 1: Unlearn

They taught me to be Kind at 3, but they forgot to tell me to be Kind to Me,

They asked me to be Wise at 11, told me everything should be forgiven, they never taught me to Forgive Me,

They told me to not be Dreamy at 12, made sure in my dreams I do not dwell, they forgot to mention I could still pray for Me,

They asked me to Sacrifice my youth at 20, said there would be time to enjoy life plenty, about the consequences of my sacrifices, they failed to educate Me,

Your methods are faulty, demands even more so,

Finding my happiness made me feel guilty, and finding peace felt even worse than you know….

Why in God’s name shouldn’t I Unlearn what You taught me? Why in the Universe should I not Burn all fake education you bought me?

So, from here on I Choose Me!!!!

Lesson 2: I Choose Me

We chase the life they said is so fulfilling. Grow up, get good grades, get a degree, get a job, get a career, get a life partner, get married, have kids, educate them, raise them, get retired and die ‘Happy’. Yeah right!

How does one die Happy if one never lived Happy????

They created a Template for life and like sheep in herds we follow their steps like mindless turds. Sure, if you believe when they say, die happy.

I hear what they say, but say what you may, I don’t believe them.

So, I won’t follow them, its that simple but took me over 2 decades to make it a habit,

Because they try silence my opinions, ask me to not stand out but camouflage like chameleons, just like the other 10s and 100s of millions, but no more!

From here on, I Choose Me….

I will believe what I want to, in that process will learn to trust me gut too, and while I am at that I will purge all the Shallow.

Like my friends Marie Kondo’d their closets, I will Marie Kondo my Life, my friendships, my relationships and all my subscriptions too. I am going to Purge All that doesn’t bring me Joy, Comfort and Contentment. And if that includes you then so be it, hell I say you don’t need me too cause from here on, I don’t care for you,

because from here on I Choose Me….

Lesson 3: Pages of my Destiny

Do not ask me to fulfill your dreams no more, I have my own to work on,

Ask me not to give your apologies to this planet you ripped, I have my own footprints to wash off,

I cannot be the person you failed to become, I have my own ambitions,

Who I become, I decide,

Who I spend my life with, I decide,

I wait no more for your approval, I pivot no more to serve your pride,

No longer will I blend in, no longer will I hide,

I will stand up if I want to, I will stand out if I wish to,

No matter what ending, it is my story to tell, these are my pages to write….

So, ask no more of me, I have none left to give you,

I need what’s left of me, to write the pages of my destiny,

as long as there’s a breath left in me, I’ll need what’s left of me, till the day I die….

January 13, 2020May 21, 2020 by Soulsne

…. Just when I thought, I understood all the working ways of my Heart!!!!

It’s astonishing! don’t you think? a heart’s capacity to forgive?…. Just when I thought I was so close to understanding and knowing the way my heart works, yet again it amazes me by throwing one more unexpected move my way…. And there I am left thinking, haven’t I learned enough to know, that we will never know enough….

Four and half years! ….that’s how long it has been since the last time I spoke with my older sister. And with the 7 thousand 7 hundred miles of distance I put between us it wasn’t very difficult. The ever transforming and changing life of mine kept me busy enough to not even notice how long of a time has passed and I half expected whatever relationship we had left to be over…. But turns out they were right! Blood is thicker than water….

I dreaded going back to see my family, even though I haven’t seen any of then for over 4 years I didn’t want to go. People change, with time they become what their choices and circumstances make of them and I changed too, I didn’t know how much, and I didn’t know which way, but I had changed and I wondered how I would react if they haven’t changed at all? My anxieties got the best of me, and I felt sick to my stomach every time I even thought of going back. But my baby sister was getting married, how could I not be there? How could I not go? ….It took me all the strength I had left in me, it took me a big fight to get myself push a ‘Pause’ button to my life here in Toronto, pack what I could take of this life with me in a bag and board the flight no. 233 – Jet Airways, Toronto to Amsterdam. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. So difficult, I had the most intense panic attack of my life the night before my flight and I understood how desperate my mind is, that it’s now forcing my body to stop me from going there. The very place I ran away from 7 years ago. But the universe has mysterious ways of making us face what we dread the most. My love for my baby sister was stronger than my urge for self-preservation. My heart won this time, my heart won over every logical case my mind and my body were making against my decision to go home. My heart won!

Just when I was landing and preparing myself to see her, I was asking my heart to please resist any urge to let my repressed anger for her be displayed on my face, yes just then. I was so overwhelmed with all the chaos in my mind, my heart and my soul, I decided to wing it. Just 5 mins before I was about to exit the ‘Arrivals’ section at the airport I decided to stop thinking about anything and everything and go with the flow…. Take my first feeling after I see her and go with it. I decided to trust my heart to know better. And guess what? It did. I saw her waiting for me at the airport with the rest of my family there to pick me up. I was so confused, I didn’t know what’s going on, when I first saw my sister, I didn’t did not feel angry at all, shockingly it wasn’t hatred too, I didn’t know what it was but I knew it was no shades of anger or dislike or hatred or anything I thought I would feel when I see her.

After hours and days of questioning myself I finally figured out, my heart had already forgiven her a long time ago. And I was like an idiot hoarding unnecessary junk from my past expecting myself to act like an even bigger idiot. I thoroughly underestimated my heart’s capacity to Forgive others. I assumed forgiving someone else would be just as difficult as forgiving myself, well, looks like I am all kinds of wrong about this. I am beyond amazed at a heart’s infinite capacity to love and  like some one extremely wise once said, “to love is to forgive!”.

My sister appeared to have realized what she lost when I left, and although none of us ever actually talked about the past, its was like both of us made an unsaid pact to move on and see what happens…. Beauty lies in Faith, beauty lies in Forgiveness!

So if any of you are stuck with either trusting your heart or your very logical mind like me, try and see if may be, just may be, trust your heart with it’s very first feeling and wing it 😉

 

 

June 3, 2018May 21, 2020 by Soulsne

…..the Face of My Faith

My eyes were searching for that face….they never saw it,

My heart always ached to feel it’s presence….my heart still ached,

My soul longs to re-unite with it’s source, it’s guardian….and yet it awaits,

All these years gone by while I wait, I seek and I ache to see the face of my faith, witness the presence of  who they call God, and I called Hope….

And then on a mid-summer’s night I have a dream, a beautiful dream that felt as real as my beating heart. And in that dream there was a Child made of light, no older than a child at the age of five, sitting in my lap the child takes my hand, and it’s hand that I can clearly see looks as small and fragile as that of a child, but then the touch of that hand does not feel like a hand of a child, it felt like a hand of an Elderly, not as soft yet very gentle, so fatherly, with the touch of love and kindness of a mother, quite strange yet soothing. The child places my hand on it’s heart and says “I Am Siddhartha….”,

And in that moment, that very moment, all the questions, all the worries, and everything else along with it converges into a single source of golden light, light which I felt piercing through me as I become a part of it, so much so that it looked as if emanating from Me….

And when I woke up, to my surprise I remembered the dream, I realized not only do I remember but I still feel the dream, the light within me, and in that light lies unfathomable happiness, utmost clarity and unshakable faith….

I wake now everyday, knowing somehow and in some way, that My God is what Exists, He is what you and I are made of,

He is within me, he is me, but I cannot worship myself so instead I love….

I love myself as I would I love him, I love another as I would love him, I try my best to free myself, as that is my worship , that is my prayer….

My God is what exists, he is what you and I are made of….

I try to be kind to myself and another, I try to be fair and just to me and else, as that is my worship, that is my prayer….

I need not see the Face any longer, I need not seek or ache to feel his presence, as I know he lives in everything that lives within and lives without….

My God is what exists, he is what you and I are made of….!!!!

 

July 13, 2016July 14, 2016 by Soulsne

Paradoxes of my Juvenescence….

a letter to my confidant….

“Enfolded in the darkness,tears flowed night long,

Tyrannized and fiery,but now the day came along,
Insomnia has become my consort in bed,
Fear beckons a brand new day ahead,
Would the glimmer of the sun give away the tears in my eyes?
Would I have to fall back on telling a few lies?
Never knew my skills were so splendid at lying,
A skill  with dexterity I used, to keep on denying,
For long I’d shut my self from the world and everyone,
To keep only to my heart, and disclose to none,
And then from nowhere came along a friend,
A wee bit late, for all by then seemed to end,
Mixed emotions of laughter ,when in truth I was crying,
As if they had caught on with my lies and denying,
That I am so buoyant and cheery was all that they knew,
But my true being was visible to only a few,
A friend and a loved one were guarding angels of mine,
Its in their midst that I felt touched by divine,
Disappointments were rife from a tender age of ten,
A real life of substance as if never began,
Twice over and above I am as of today,
Memories still haunt me of that ‘Judgement Day’
Haunting of the ghosts of my past, and of what’s to come,
Are both the cause and effect of what I have become,
For now there’s hope and desires to be,
Reasons I still can’t find to tell thee,
The passion, the anguish of times that are low,
I put up a mask of happiness and I glow,
For that’s all, that is visible to the perceptive human eyes,
The state of disdain, the melancholy is what the gravity of my heart defies,
Astonished and dazed I am certain you must be,
For now you know this is the true story of me………”

March 18, 2016 by Soulsne

a Ballad of Forgotten Hope….

There isn’t enough binder to mend my broken heart, there isn’t enough elixir to heal my wounded soul, but I refuse to surrender….

Here I am, shattered into a million pieces every moment I spend in a forgotten time, yet I refuse to surrender….

There I go, falling in a bottomless pit of no hope, no light, where only hope kept me going, still I refuse to surrender….

To the demons of my despair that wait at the threshold of my destiny,
to consume what is left of me,
I refuse to surrender….

Even though my line of sight,
that does not extend beyond the horizon, struggles to find another ray of light,
I refuse to surrender….

And how I look back to find the source of my endurance, I find my faith, my connection to God of Hope, be the reason why so dauntlessly I refused to surrender….

March 5, 2016March 12, 2016 by Soulsne

….a note to My Broken self

Wisdom doesn’t come easy, one doesn’t become wise living a happy and comfortable life.

To learn so early what one learns much later in life, one has to fall just as many times, take just as many hits and hit just as many lows, in that short period of time.

And to know how many times we got right back up, well….. I’am standing right in front of you.

Wounds heal, scars don’t, they are not supposed to. They are the only evidence of all the falls and hits we’ve taken.

My scars are deep and I am still broken from the hits we took, but I don’t let them see my scars, I don’t let them see my wounds. I choose what they  see in me, I choose how they see me, it is empowering. Be not alarmed, there is not false pretense, but I choose who deserves my vulnerability.

This body is weak dear one, as for decades we let the fire of rage burn within it. There is no fun in having poor health, if it’s not sympathy or attention you seek, being sick that often is in vain.

Not many get where we are without seeing what we’ve have seen, the only way to get here this quick is to live the pain of more than one life….

I wish I could tell you how much it takes to keep going, while bearing the burden of realization of having lived good 3 decades only to look back and find nothing there, a whole lot of nothingness, only a bunch of liabilities that won’t even let you to find your salvation. Oh how I wish! I could save you from being constantly pulled back from all the progress we’ve have made, just so the selfish desires of having our company are fulfilled. But we shall not surrender.

Blood is weird that way. You can’t be ungrateful for being born and having made it this far but staying in the same room for more than a few hours becomes burdensome and exhausting. If it makes you feel any better, know the difference between them and us? You and I were actually trying to find redemption for all of us. Whilst we found out how the minds of both parties worked. And when one understands that much, one knows there is no black or white there, there is no my way or their way, it’s all grey. There is no way for either of us to be happy, the only way is to make peace with it and be content.

I wish I could give you magic words that helped you make them understand what is necessary, convince them to let go, but I myself am still looking for those words. Since  I find you fallen in this pit from time to time, I want you to remember, we fall so often for we carry the burden of finding redemption for more than just us, however unwise it may seem, we refuse to cease from keeping the promise we made to free us from the debts we have incurred in this life and else. We fall not because we are weak but because our form gets overwhelmed with what our spirit carries so justly.

So, here I am now, unbroken and invincible, waiting for you to find your way to me. I make you strong and you keep me grounded. Together we keep our promises, together we learn no matter how dark it gets, it’s not over until we see the light. So come, find your way back to me, I’ll wait….

February 29, 2016March 12, 2016 by Soulsne

Gentle Reminders

As natural it is for us to remember things, its just as natural to forget them. The brain is like one supercomputer that just somehow knows what information is important to store and purge the rest. However, no information is completely lost.

We are beings blessed with capabilities that even our minds cannot comprehend.
Busy lifestyles, finding work – life balance, so much to do so little time, we all need some reminders every now and then. Don’t know about you lot but I am a forgetful one. Quite disorganized in my thoughts as I am in life. Technology helps sometimes, alarm clocks to wake up, Google reminders for organizing daily tasks, project management tools to use at work and what not. Even then, there times when I forget a lot of what I should make it count to keep in mind. But then again, I don’t remember a lot of other important things which is Okay! Like where was I before I was born here, I forget where I will be headed after I am done here. I bet none of us remember that, do we?

No one witnessed the beginning, no one knows the end, however isn’t it logical to think, anything that has an ‘After’ most certainly had a ‘Before’? One cannot know the ‘After’, for obvious reasons, but ever wondered that if there was a ‘Before’ how come no one remembers it?
How conveniently each individual starts living the ‘Now’ after birth and forgets to question the lack of any information until at some point of their life’s journey they look back and realize.
Please tell me this makes sense to you.

We existed before being You and I but we have forgotten. Good thing about it?, we are supposed to, in order to live who we are now and plan who we aim to be by the end of it. I bet each one of has lived a moment where they cannot analyse or understand an ongoing situation but somehow, just somehow ‘Know’ what to do, when to do it? and how to do it? We call these unexplained bouts of knowledge as Sixth Sense or Intuition and what not but wondered how it works? Well that’s a topic for another day!

Ever found yourself staring at the sky for no apparent reason? Ever been mesmerized by something that in plain sight never appealed to you before? Ever found the answers you needed lied in your question the whole time? and ever realized you were never really alone?

I have. I find tranquility when I stare at the sky, I am mesmerized by the warmth of the sun and subtle beauty of the moon sometimes though they are an everyday occurring phenomena, find an instant liking or dislike for a person or activity I just came across, found that me fighting with God and questioning his doings was the proof of my faith in his existence and that I wasn’t standing alone there talking to him, he was listening, sudden moments of overwhelming gratitude, waking up one morning and finding forgiveness for something you couldn’t imagine letting go? Worth giving a thought isn’t it?

These moments, fine and short lived moments are the reminders for what we have forgotten. We are constantly tested for what we have learnt and what we have failed at learning, but we all possess the Knowledge that is needed for us to keep going and reach wherever it is that we were born to find our way to. The moments are not subtle at all, overwhelming joy, gratitude, grief, wisdom, this can be a very intense experience. We may even not desire it out of the fear of vulnerability it brings us. Sad part? it’s not in our hands. The life we lead, the path we walk on, we need access to that knowledge every time we arrive at a turn that was planned for us, to know where to go next?, how to proceed?, what is the best way to find the right direction? There is no subtle or gentle way for life to give us these reminders, however desirable. The knowledge we need to get through this life, learning what we are here to learn is far too great for our minds to possess and confine it into the words of different languages we created to communicate. Hence, we have limited access to it, only what can be handled on a regular basis, but just when we need to Remember , we get special access.

So don’t be too harsh on yourself if you can’t keep information in your mind from leaking, we are all genetically programmed to Forget as much as we are programmed to Remember. For everything else we always will keep getting these Gentle Reminders!

February 11, 2016March 12, 2016 by Soulsne

3 Decades of My Journey towards Me….!!!!

I turned 30 today!
While most of my friends are just glad I am one of them now, I am just excited. Everything in my life was delayed by a few years compared to the “societal standards of events that need to occur at certain age”. For example, my first BFF, first relationship, graduation, my first job, travelling to a different country for education and many more. So I am looking forward to actually starting to live as opposed to just getting by.
Interestingly, when one achieves a Milestone like turning 30 and entering into a new decade of age, one tends to calculate the doings of the previous decade and conclude the earnings & losses. But I seemed to have more focus on a different aspect, I usually ask myself 3 questions
“Who was I?”
“Who am I?” and
“Who do I wish to be?”
The end and beginning of every decade is always the busiest. You know that feeling you get when you know something big is coming and you can’t do anything but be prepared? Yes, that is the dominant feeling at these times.
When I was 9, I knew there was a big challenge coming my way. It made me so anxious, I can’t begin to tell.
And when I turned 10, I watched everything change, for years after that I saw myself like a flower that had to bloom in the shade instead of the Sun. I had to be wiser than my age, older than my older sibling, patient enough to wait for something good to happen, and tolerant enough to survive everything and still have some Hope and Faith left. Though I pride myself on the person I raised myself to be, till date I have no clue of how a 10 year old could’ve thought of such a thing and actually implement it.
When I was 19, I realized I couldn’t go on living the way I lived as I will exhaust all my energy and fall apart, like I was falling apart already, physically sick and in pain most of the time but the doctors couldn’t diagnose anything, too much anxiety and stress affected grades in school, and health was a mess,
So when I turned 20, I accepted that may be I do deserve to be loved a little, may be I should let someone else take care of me if that is what they wish, that was the year I met my Best Friend, my Soulmate….
When I turned 29, everything I had build up for 2 decades came rumbling down like a disaster struck snow mountain having a landslide….
I didn’t understand what was happening, I changed so much I didn’t recognize my own reflection. I was not the person I molded myself into for the past 20 years. The threshold for my tolerance was lowered, the amount of patience I am known to have reduced. I was scared I might turn into a person completely driven by their emotions.
Only when I got closer to my birthday I realized, it’s time for another change,  and it’s Time to Treat yourself with the same kindness you show others….
Give yourself the same forgiveness you would give another. Time to not be so harshly judgmental towards yourself while you stay so non-judgmental towards others.

So Yes, I am looking forward to live a little hereon, getting to know the new Me, and making sure the little girl in me who never got to live her childhood finds her way home every-time she gets lost, because she is going to get lost sometimes, she is going fall off the wagon and not be the ever so patient and tolerant person she is known to be, and that may happen more often than I’d like….
Most people have already achieved some goals they planned in their 20’s and move towards new goals.
But me, I just started my journey,
My Journey towards Me…..
And like a Fall  Tree this fall I start shedding off the leaves that Do Me No good while I Await my Never-ending Spring……

November 4, 2015March 12, 2016 by Soulsne

….In Love with a Broken World

I walked on a Path, if you walk on it , you will find what I found…
For You and I are no different but just the same,
We are born, We live and Wither off only to be Born again,
In another life, another world, another time….
Do not worship me He said, I am no God,
I am the Path you walk on….
Said He who loved the old, the disabled, the dead and the different….
He who fell in Love with a Broken World….

October 7, 2015March 12, 2016 by Soulsne