…. Just when I thought, I understood all the working ways of my Heart!!!!

It’s astonishing! don’t you think? a heart’s capacity to forgive?…. Just when I thought I was so close to understanding and knowing the way my heart works, yet again it amazes me by throwing one more unexpected move my way…. And there I am left thinking, haven’t I learned enough to know, that we will never know enough….

Four and half years! ….that’s how long it has been since the last time I spoke with my older sister. And with the 7 thousand 7 hundred miles of distance I put between us it wasn’t very difficult. The ever transforming and changing life of mine kept me busy enough to not even notice how long of a time has passed and I half expected whatever relationship we had left to be over…. But turns out they were right! Blood is thicker than water….

I dreaded going back to see my family, even though I haven’t seen any of then for over 4 years I didn’t want to go. People change, with time they become what their choices and circumstances make of them and I changed too, I didn’t know how much, and I didn’t know which way, but I had changed and I wondered how I would react if they haven’t changed at all? My anxieties got the best of me, and I felt sick to my stomach every time I even thought of going back. But my baby sister was getting married, how could I not be there? How could I not go? ….It took me all the strength I had left in me, it took me a big fight to get myself push a ‘Pause’ button to my life here in Toronto, pack what I could take of this life with me in a bag and board the flight no. 233 – Jet Airways, Toronto to Amsterdam. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. So difficult, I had the most intense panic attack of my life the night before my flight and I understood how desperate my mind is, that it’s now forcing my body to stop me from going there. The very place I ran away from 7 years ago. But the universe has mysterious ways of making us face what we dread the most. My love for my baby sister was stronger than my urge for self-preservation. My heart won this time, my heart won over every logical case my mind and my body were making against my decision to go home. My heart won!

Just when I was landing and preparing myself to see her, I was asking my heart to please resist any urge to let my repressed anger for her be displayed on my face, yes just then. I was so overwhelmed with all the chaos in my mind, my heart and my soul, I decided to wing it. Just 5 mins before I was about to exit the ‘Arrivals’ section at the airport I decided to stop thinking about anything and everything and go with the flow…. Take my first feeling after I see her and go with it. I decided to trust my heart to know better. And guess what? It did. I saw her waiting for me at the airport with the rest of my family there to pick me up. I was so confused, I didn’t know what’s going on, when I first saw my sister, I didn’t did not feel angry at all, shockingly it wasn’t hatred too, I didn’t know what it was but I knew it was no shades of anger or dislike or hatred or anything I thought I would feel when I see her.

After hours and days of questioning myself I finally figured out, my heart had already forgiven her a long time ago. And I was like an idiot hoarding unnecessary junk from my past expecting myself to act like an even bigger idiot. I thoroughly underestimated my heart’s capacity to Forgive others. I assumed forgiving someone else would be just as difficult as forgiving myself, well, looks like I am all kinds of wrong about this. I am beyond amazed at a heart’s infinite capacity to love and  like some one extremely wise once said, “to love is to forgive!”.

My sister appeared to have realized what she lost when I left, and although none of us ever actually talked about the past, its was like both of us made an unsaid pact to move on and see what happens…. Beauty lies in Faith, beauty lies in Forgiveness!

So if any of you are stuck with either trusting your heart or your very logical mind like me, try and see if may be, just may be, trust your heart with it’s very first feeling and wing it 😉

 

 

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….a Special Meet!

It was a different night this fall, a brighter moonlit and colder than usual nightsky was clear and beautiful, the clouds literally under my feet, and me moving at a 900 kilometres/ hour velocity, cutting through the cold crisp air at around 30,000 feet. Fast asleep on a not so comfortable and relatively smaller airline economy seat, with headsets still on my ears from the barely interesting movie I was watching that helped me fall asleep.

A light sleeper on flights I usually wake up a few times in the night as I did last night and just when I opened my eyes a little after midnight, there he was, holding his place firmly as always, not a blink except when the passing cloud that momentarily hid him for a second, shining bright enough to make the flight wings completely visible along with a somewhat thick layer of clouds beneath. There he was, one of my most favorite celestial being, in a gorgeous waxing gibbous phase staring at me in his full glory as if there for a purpose, then it struck me, may be there was a purpose, it was past midnight and I got to witness and experience one of my most favorite things to do, watching this beautiful entity unperturbed and tranquil with nothing but a steady aircraft liner buzzing sound in the background and everyone else quiet and asleep including and surprisingly the ever so present cranky babies and toddlers on the flight (sorry for sounding like a terrible person but flights and kids don’t go well together). Coming back to the Moon & Me, yes there he was presenting me with my first Birthday Gift, wishing me by giving me a wonderful start to yet another year of my eventful, ‘Never a dull moment’ life and smiling upon me with a promise of more such magical and memorable visits, with me around 30,000 feet closer to him than on any other birthday night, this meet with the glorious lunar body was truly special…. Thank you!

Growing Up? or Growing Old?

So!

Growing up is kinda like, yet not necessarily similar to Growing old? Hmm…. who cares? A diamond stays a diamond no matter how old, wine only gets better with age and like someone extremely wise and very very great named Rihanna once said “Shine Bright like a Diamond” and I am going to take their word for it.

It was my Birthday past weekend and I turned 31 🙂
And even though it’s a social norm to not particularly like to grow up/ grow old I however, am lovin’ it….
Some even say I was born old, like not a very literal but still a subtly curious case of Benjamin Button
#LoL #ThatCouldBeRight #IKnowWhatYouSaidLastWeekend *Wink Wink*

I mean, how can I not love it? Getting to really know Yourself without being overwhelmed by raging hormones and that emotional rugby match playing in your mind that almost never did let you think straight.

When after years and years of filtering things and people that may or may not be good for you to the ones that are Really good for you….

When there is rarely a memory you wouldn’t wanna keep and where every moment spent with them is a picture worth capturing….

It was my Birthday past weekend and I turned 31 🙂
And, while everyone else can still decide how they feel about growing up, I plan to stay an Eternal Optimist and focus on the Most Beautiful part of it….

Thank you Everyone for your lovely Birthday wishes and blessings!!!!

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…..the Face of My Faith

My eyes were searching for that face….they never saw it,

My heart always ached to feel it’s presence….my heart still ached,

My soul longs to re-unite with it’s source, it’s guardian….and yet it awaits,

All these years gone by while I wait, I seek and I ache to see the face of my faith, witness the presence of  who they call God, and I called Hope….

And then on a mid-summer’s night I have a dream, a beautiful dream that felt as real as my beating heart. And in that dream there was a Child made of light, no older than a child at the age of five, sitting in my lap the child takes my hand, and it’s hand that I can clearly see looks as small and fragile as that of a child, but then the touch of that hand does not feel like a hand of a child, it felt like a hand of an Elderly, not as soft yet very gentle, so fatherly, with the touch of love and kindness of a mother, quite strange yet soothing. The child places my hand on it’s heart and says “I Am Siddhartha….”,

And in that moment, that very moment, all the questions, all the worries, and everything else along with it converges into a single source of golden light, light which I felt piercing through me as I become a part of it, so much so that it looked as if emanating from Me….

And when I woke up, to my surprise I remembered the dream, I realized not only do I remember but I still feel the dream, the light within me, and in that light lies unfathomable happiness, utmost clarity and unshakable faith….

I wake now everyday, knowing somehow and in some way, that My God is what Exists, He is what you and I are made of,

He is within me, he is me, but I cannot worship myself so instead I love….

I love myself as I would I love him, I love another as I would love him, I try my best to free myself, as that is my worship , that is my prayer….

My God is what exists, he is what you and I are made of….

I try to be kind to myself and another, I try to be fair and just to me and else, as that is my worship, that is my prayer….

I need not see the Face any longer, I need not seek or ache to feel his presence, as I know he lives in everything that lives within and lives without….

My God is what exists, he is what you and I are made of….!!!!

 

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Paradoxes of my Juvenescence….

a letter to my confidant….
“Enfolded in the darkness,tears flowed night long,

Tyrannized and fiery,but now the day came along,
Insomnia has become my consort in bed,
Fear beckons a brand new day ahead,
Would the glimmer of the sun give away the tears in my eyes?
Would I have to fall back on telling a few lies?
Never knew my skills were so splendid at lying,
A skill  with dexterity I used, to keep on denying,
For long I’d shut my self from the world and everyone,
To keep only to my heart, and disclose to none,
And then from nowhere came along a friend,
A wee bit late, for all by then seemed to end,
Mixed emotions of laughter ,when in truth I was crying,
As if they had caught on with my lies and denying,
That I am so buoyant and cheery was all that they knew,
But my true being was visible to only a few,
A friend and a loved one were guarding angels of mine,
Its in their midst that I felt touched by divine,
Disappointments were rife from a tender age of ten,
A real life of substance as if never began,
Twice over and above I am as of today,
Memories still haunt me of that ‘Judgement Day’
Haunting of the ghosts of my past, and of what’s to come,
Are both the cause and effect of what I have become,
For now there’s hope and desires to be,
Reasons I still can’t find to tell thee,
The passion, the anguish of times that are low,
I put up a mask of happiness and I glow,
For that’s all, that is visible to the perceptive human eyes,
The state of disdain, the melancholy is what the gravity of my heart defies,
Astonished and dazed I am certain you must be,
For now you know this is the true story of me………”

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Happy Women’s Day!

The concept of a ‘Strong Woman’ is beyond my understanding.
Strength is a key ingredient of the very foundation of Femininity. What made anyone think anything otherwise? Women are strong and courageous by default, it’s a XX’ chromosome pairing thing.

So let’s Celebrate the Fire in you and me,

lets celebrate the Strength that we are,

let’s celebrate Who we want ourselves to be,

and continue to be the Excellence at par….

Happy Women’s Day Everyone!!!!

 

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a Ballad of Forgotten Hope….

There isn’t enough binder to mend my broken heart, there isn’t enough elixir to heal my wounded soul, but I refuse to surrender….

Here I am, shattered into a million pieces every moment I spend in a forgotten time, yet I refuse to surrender….

There I go, falling in a bottomless pit of no hope, no light, where only hope kept me going, still I refuse to surrender….

To the demons of my despair that wait at the threshold of my destiny,
to consume what is left of me,
I refuse to surrender….

Even though my line of sight,
that does not extend beyond the horizon, struggles to find another ray of light,
I refuse to surrender….

And how I look back to find the source of my endurance, I find my faith, my connection to God of Hope, be the reason why so dauntlessly I refused to surrender….

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